rupert grint deathwatch

You're a mean one, Mr Grint

2010-05-03T21:33:00.000-07:00

In an effort to gather information on Rupert Grint's condition, I recently took it upon myself to follow the advice of a good friend of mine.
Ricky, the man who lives under the overpass and sells me my special medicine, told me that if I want to meet movie stars, I'd better sneak onto a movie set. So he gave me an orange vest and a children's toy walkie-talkie and I was off to the races!

The closest film set I could find was for the TV show "Splattered," about a renegade cop with irritable bowel syndrome. It was all pretty boring, though I did enjoy the "Kraft Service" tent. (Interesting note: they do not, as I originally assumed, exclusively serve products made by the Kraft corporation. The cocaine hot dogs, specifically, were definitely not made by the esteemed company. (That did not stop the 11-year old star of the show from consuming seven of them for lunch, then spending the rest of her day with 27 Calvin Klein underwear models in a berserker-sex-fugue.))

I spent fifteen hours on the set, and did not see Rupert Grint once. I did learn some things, though!

- Movies aren't, as I originally assumed, a window into an alternate reality. It's actually just beautiful rich people pretending to be heterosexual while uglier, poorer people take hundreds of pictures.

-Don't make fun of rich people. They have fragile egos, as their egos are built on money, and money is made of paper.

-If you are wearing an orange vest, people will assume that you're supposed to be there.

Tune in next time for more Rupert Grint updates.
Will this week be the week he dies? Only time will tell.

Eyes open. Hearts full. Grint it up.

2010-04-05T02:19:00.001-07:00

Some day, Rupert Grint will die. That much is known for certain.
But, as writer/humorist Mark Twain would probably never say:
"Bother me not with such questions as whether or not Rupert Grint will die, but how and when."

So it is in the spirit of that great author that we here at the Rupert Grint Deathwatch Institute calibrate our vast underground Death Computers, (or Morden-Klattens,) as they chatter away, calculating the very second of Grint's demise.

So we can all accept that the computers will soon have conquered the immortal question of when Rupert Grint will die. But their cold, unfeeling minds can't ever answer how.

Will it be in a chemical fire, as the great Grint-centric prophet Mathea predicted in her second book, The Grint Conundrum?

Or will it be from complications caused by betrayal, poison, and botched crotch surgery, as predicted on this very blog?

Perhaps the end will come quietly, peacefully, in the night. The optimist in me hopes, for the sake of Grint's family, that this is how things will play out, but the pragmatist in me cannot believe such things.
I'm an adult, after all.
I'm done with fairy tales.

No, anyone close to Rupert Grint will (definitely not) tell you that he's not the sort to die quietly. He's the kind of guy who never stops fighting.
And they'll probably (not) go on to tell you that he's always messing with chemical fires and getting unnecessary operations done on his crotch.

This, too, is fleeting.

2010-03-30T20:14:00.001-07:00

You're watching the Rupert Grint Death Watch.

Oh, hello.

2010-03-25T13:30:00.000-07:00

This is the Rupert Grint Deathwatch.

Stay vigilant.

Possible Grint Update!

2010-03-24T19:59:00.001-07:00

Now, there's no way to be sure on this, but we may have some confirmation on Rupert Grint's condition.

Faithful reader "Geraldine Ubuntu" sent in this quick pic of someone leaving the lavish golden gates of Grinterland Ranch:

It's impossible to tell, since they are shielding their face, but the person in this picture appears to be recovering from crotch surgery. He seems to be missing some of his hair, possibly from donating to some sort of line of Death Wigs.

Is this person Rupert Grint? Or just a clever impostor? Hopefully someone can help us fill in the blanks.

Do you have a Grint Tip? Or would you like to order a Death Wig™? Contact us at rupertgrintisdying@live.com

It's the Pitts!

2010-03-24T19:41:00.000-07:00

American Celebutante "Bradley K. Pitts," that is! In a recent interview, (that I held in my mind,) Mr. Pitt made the controversial decision to grow his goat-beard in support for the dying young Grint.

"Yeah, I just really believe in this cause, you know? Rupert Grint's death is going to be very pivotal in my life." Pitt didn't and would never say.

When asked to elaborate, he would not go on to say "I mean, I bought the T shirt, I bought the Death Wig™, but am I doing enough? So, I hereby pledge to not shave my beard until Grint is dead. Out of solidarity."

He would not say this.
Even if I ever met him and asked him.

Breaking News!

2010-03-23T20:54:00.000-07:00

Rupert Grint is going to die one day.
The important thing is to be ready. Are you? I am. A lot of people are!

Even Brangelina's getting ready for the big day!* You have to admit, they look pretty good in their official RGDW Death Wigs™ and apparel.

*Brangelina does not support anything I do, especially not this site.

In other news, Rupert Grint's medical condition (for all I know,) has remained unchanged.

He will be missed... Some day.

2010-03-22T23:11:00.001-07:00

This is the Rupert Grint Death Watch. Keep your eyes peeled.

Question Time

2010-03-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

Hello! I thought I'd take some time to answer a few questions you may be asking yourself.

"What the hell have I stumbled across here?"
-This is the Rupert Grint Death Watch. We are here to make guesses about the time, place and circumstances of the death of actor Rupert Grint.

"What? Why?"
-We understand that all things must come to an end. None of us are immortal. Especially Rupert Grint.

"Are you going to kill him?"
-We are not threatening the young actor in any way. We are just making wild guesses. Even if we make a guess like, say, he'll be gunned down in three weeks in a Vegas hotel room, it's all just speculation.

"What do you think Grint's funeral is going to be like?"
-Well, I can't say for sure, but I can make one guess: Crystal Vanity Coffin.

"Crystal Vanity Coffin?"
-Shaped like his own face.

"Are you a lunatic? Are you going to commit some kind of horrible crime, centered around a bloody moon-based self-mutilation ritual?"
-Moon-based? No.

Abra-kipedia!

2010-03-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

Big news, Grint-Heads! Single file, please.

Information giant "Wikipedia" has joined us in our quest to speculate wildly about Rupert Grint's future death.
Observe: (click to full-view)

"Botched Crotch Surgery," Wikipedia? Nobody mentioned botched crotch surgery. It would seem that you know a little more about Mr. Grint's future death than you're letting on!
Be on the lookout for this headline in the future, Grint-Heads:
IT WAS MR. WIKIPEDIA IN THE STUDY WITH THE CROTCH SURGERY!

Baseless accusations aside, we do have some news. According to a tipster identifying themselves only as "B. Strenchina," Rupert Grint was spotted in South America, buying "some more pet armadillos."

Does Mr. Grint have an addiction to novelty pets? Will this addiction lead to his eventual demise? Is he planning some armadillo-centric satanic blood-drinking ritual? Will his armadillo dealers find out he's been using phony credit cards and gun him down, gangland-style? Only time will tell. The notoriously reclusive Grint has yet to issue comment from behind the iron gates of Grinterland Ranch.
Thanks for the tip anyways, Strenchina!

Do you have a Grint-Tip? If you do, or are interested in pre-ordering a Rupert Grint Death Wig™, Contact us at
rupertgrintisdying@live.com

Heads up, Grint-Heads!

2010-03-21T09:35:00.000-07:00

Looks like the site got a link on popular boobs-and-fun-enthusiast-website "Gorilla Mask."
Fantastic news! The more people to learn our message, the better! Unfortunately, Gorilla Mask seems to think that we hate Harry Potter, or have some irrational dislike of red-haired people. Nothing could be farther from the truth!

We here at the Rupert Grint Deathwatch (and the RGDW's sister site, Beards of Prey, for that matter,) do not condone hate. Our mission statement is to make wild guesses about the death of a beloved young star, not spread ignorance.

Look, we know that nothing lasts forever, that all things must die. But when it comes to British actor Rupert Grint, we intend to be ready.

I've got my Death Wig™. Do you have yours?
As always, direct your e-mails and wishes of condolences to Rupert Grint's family to rupertgrintisdying@live.com

Rupert Grint Update!

2010-03-21T04:29:00.000-07:00

We here at Rupert Grint Deathwatch, despite being a celebrity speculation site, do have standards. We like to make sure that all of our random guesswork is based on cold, hard facts. So when we got an Anonymous Tip about old "Grinty," we knew we had to stay on our toes.
Here's the tip:

"Hey guys, I'm a big fan of what you're doing here! (Editors Note: What the hell am I doing here?) I just want to tell you that I think Rupert's not doing so well! Check out this picture, he looks sick! Could he be on Death's Door?"

And the tipster attached a link to this image:
Now, I'm not sure where that image is from but it seems to be pretty damning evidence. Is he coughing blood all over himself? Officially, we can't pass any judgment, but we can start selling Rupert Grint Deathwigs™! Are you going to miss Rupert Grint, after his untimely (?) future death? Well, I have good news! Now, seeing Rupert Grint can be as easy as looking into a mirror!
They're soft, easy-to-wear, and the ladies love them.
Isn't that right, Television's The Pussycat Dolls?

Rupert Grint Deathwigs™. Coming soon to the Rupert Grint Deathwatch store. All Rupert Grint Deathwigs™ will be made of 100% real Grint Hair. (Maybe?)
Do you have any tips on Rupert Grint's medical condition? Contact us at rupertgrintisdying@live.com

RIP, Rupert Grint. Eventually.

2010-03-20T20:06:00.000-07:00

Someday, Rupert Grint might be rushed to the hospital for massive crotch damage. Jealous doctors, filled with hateful rage towards the young future "Megaman" star, may poison him.
Frequent collaborator and co-creator of "Space Ducks," Daniel Radcliffe, upon hearing the news, might say of the potentially late star:
"He was a shining star in all our lives. He will be severely missed."
Co-star Emma Watson may have this to add:
"Grinty (Watson's potential nickname for Grint,) was the kind of guy who was always getting crotch surgery. I guess we always knew it would catch up with him."
She would probably then go on to look shifty and hide her bottle of crotch poison behind her back.

The future "Hey Arnold" star may or may not will have been 28 when he dies. He may be survived by his two children and loving wife, for all I know.